String Lights Garden
A forget-me-not poem.. i'm 13.. care to have a read?
Forget-me-not
The milk coating of the fair mauve flower,
The baby tears... a magnum of yale blue.
With flecks of secrets- through her fainting bower,
Suffused with a blessing of her memories, true.
Her honey gaze is a marvel of light,
A sharp, amber glance onto the sandstone wall.
A rounded circlet of her arylide sight,
The lustrous ring of eternities thrall.
Ten pearl swords do slumber in an ocean-
Of the five pale thighs of a raindrop's prayer.
In the flavoured breeze you sense the motion,
Of an ancient riddle, string of life you repair.
When the fair, withered souls are weeping for death,
They must cup your glory in deep, hollow palms.
They murmur to you through a dust covered breath,
Their riddles of love and faults, and ancient qualms.
As the year does flourish into seasons, rich,
Eternities thoughts are memorised in purple fervor.
Her laughing buds, in the breeze now twitch,
A garden of tales, the silent observer.
yeah it's really good! I just think to be 'a stand out' poet you need to change your topics. It's overplayed and gives that garish image of the poet stuck in 15th century France, or worse; Van Gogh. INstead of talking about the obvious beauties in nature (flowers, new borns, women, seasons) and the obvious pet-hates of all civilizations ( souls, death, sounding like something out of Hades), why not try something people wouldn't expect to be beautiful but actually when explained, they see the beauty and regret they never saw the potential, that is changing insight, far more important than painting a stagnant picture. HOwever, that doesn't change the fact your work is structured well, the imagery is good and you've avoided many obvious lyrics. Well done! Keep writing and if you had entered this into a competition I'm sure you will have done well. However, just think about what I said. GYA YO!x sparky
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